Sonder
by OperaEagle IcelynLacelett
Summary: Sonder-n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own. Here are the stories and struggles of the Guardians, up until they found Tsuna and a little past that. He is their Sky, and they will never let him go. Drabble-ish, free-verse poetry type format. Character studies of the Guardians, basically. Hope you enjoy!
1. Rain: Veneer

Lovely opening A/N:

So, this is kind of a 'I'm-sorry-for-not-updating-ASSS-please-forgive-me' bribe chapter, but I was inspired a little over two weeks ago to write this. I'm working on the fourth poem right now, but it's a work in progress. I'll update the ones I have every two weeks or so. It depends on what kind of mood I'm in when and what I write.

I don't know, I love looking at characters and especially the Guardians are fascinating to me. KHR tends to leave everyone pretty two-dimensional, but that's not how it works in rl! Other people have their own things going on. So this series of poems/poem-like things that will try to expand on possible problems that the Guardians may have.

Warnings: Dark, mentions of suicide, free-verse poem style, absolutely no capitalization, not very much punctuation either (I think it works), half the word count is A/N and character analysis (oops).

It's weird, and it looks weird, but give it a try?

Ah, yes. And finally, neither KHR or Smile are mine. I wish.

-.-.-.-

Rain

-.-.-.-

.

smile

-.-.-.-

 _Smile though your heart is aching_

 _Smile even though it's breaking_

- _._ -

he smiles and laughs

it's the only thing he knows how to do

(even when he sees the assessing glances from the corner of his eyes and _knows_

they only want him for his body or his skill or his bright, fakefalse _fake_ laughter)

he smiles and laughs

even when they all blur together and his vision blanks out and all their hands grab at him, pulling out more than he can give,

his heart, his kindness, his calm, his forgiveness, his blue, his soul

(one more home run, takeshi-the-baseball-ace!)

they all blur together, one and the same, like greedy black holes of need and longing and they suck all the nutrients from him

destructive demons, static parasites

he smiles and laughs

and when he does they suck in the laugh and use it for a moment's sustenance

(he wonders where they learned how to do that

their own laughs sound empty and unfulfilling to his ears and he can't bring himself to swallow one. is it instinct?

if he tried, would it bring the void where his chest is supposed to be

(where it used to be overflowing with _blueoceanrainblue_ before his mother died and took his emotions and soul with her)

(but now it's all sucked out before he can wet the walls of his insides)

would it bring a moment's relief?)

-.-

 _Although a tear may be ever so near  
That's the time you must keep on trying_

-.-.-.-

.

his name

-.-.-.-

 _Light up your face with gladness  
Hide every trace of sadness_

-.-

takeshi-the-baseball-ace

is his name

Yamamato Takeshi was a person long ago

who had a heart overflowing with blue that

replenished at a kind word from mother

and a loud, barked laugh from father

he knew who he was

he had _home_

.

takeshi-the-baseball-ace

is well-liked, widely known, respected and revered, lusted after.

his house is among the baseball field and his teammates, friends

except it's a shaky place, unstable in that

it wasn't really framed, the foundation was never poured, never mind solid

it is just furniture and paint

.

takeshi-the-baseball-ace

is always, always smiling and always, always laughing

his shoulder is always there, ready to cry on

he offers false, taffy, too-wide smiles that students are only-too-happy to return

.

takeshi-the-baseball-ace

is happy, content, with his lot and keeps on smiling

Yamamato Takeshi is screaming inside, since he can't cry

any longer because the parasites have dried up all the blue

everything he is is crumbling and being painted over

(takeshi can barely hold onto his parent's words of _calmcontrolcalmsmooth_ and comes an inch closer to slaughtering them all every day

he will laugh and then take their blood and bathe in it as a recompense for his blue)

-.-

 _When there are clouds in the sky,_

 _You'll get by_

-.-.-.-

.

decay

-.-.-.-

 _Smile, what's the use of crying_

-.-

then one day

takeshi-the-baseball-ace

breaks his arm trying to hold his house together during an earthquake and the paint starts to peel and the furniture cracks

(takeshi wants to surface but he's pushed down viciously)

Yamamato Takeshi is in control for the first time in years

he's confused and lost now

he isn't the same as when he was locked away in a box

the world's different and he's uncertain and he has nothing left to give, that's why takeshi-the-baseball-ace broke

he wants to scream and break down in a corner

(he can't talk)

but instead he ends up slapping their hands away and teetering on the edge of the roof

fantasizing about the rush of flying and (maybe the blue would pour in at the last second and let him taste it once more) the thunk of his malnourished body against the ground

the shock of their expressions as they realize

 _yes_

 _this is who he is_

 _what he felt_

 _what I've done_

 _it's not a joke_

—and he's almost convinced himself that he's happy about this decision and everyone will be better off without him—

when Tsuna stumbles in ungracefully and mops up the situation in knots that somehow stroke the sides of his heart and make blue start trickling in again.

his words never should have worked, stuttered and quiet, desperate as they were.

But they weren't weak or false. They were utterly sincere, like he never had the courage to be,

backed by steel that forced him to _pay attention_ and _listen_.

.

All Takeshi ever wanted was attention

-to the true him, not takeshi-the-baseball-ace-

someone who would see the house and think

 _it's unstable, it has no foundation_

tear down the walls, look at the empty air it was perched on,

and say, _let's build a new one. The right way._

-.-

 _If you smile through your fear and sorrow_

-.-.-.-

.

dawn

-.-.-.-

 _Smile, and maybe tomorrow_

 _You'll see the sun come shining through_

 _For you_

-.-

Tsuna did all that and more.

The moment Tsuna accepted him and decided that he wanted Takeshi for Takeshi, he _clung._

He clung hard.

(He might have fallen a little in love.)

Tsuna was color, Tsuna was light, Tsuna was everything he begged for, never deserved but got anyway and

 _he had no idea how he'd ended up this lucky._

 _._

takeshi-the-baseball-ace

faded, no longer needed, and Takeshi and takeshi softly kissed him goodbye, glad when the last piece half-dissipated, while the other half was absorbed into a much wholer Takeshi.

Takeshi loved Tsuna, adored him, was single-mindedly devoted. He might be called crazy. He knew it, didn't care—loved it, embraced it, even.

Tsuna needed his love and support. He tried to reciprocate Tsuna's stunted, heartfelt, life-changing speech to the teen himself whenever possible. If he lost Tsuna, he would break.

takeshi didn't want to kill Tsuna, which said a lot. As long as he was appeased and Tsuna didn't mind, he actually kinda obsessed over his Sky in quiet moments and it helped to not drown in bloodlust and inaction.

Both parts of him would kill or die for their Sky, whatever duty dictated.

-.-

 _You'll find that life is still worthwhile_

 _If you just smile_

-.-.-.-

A/N:

That's a wrap! Didja like it?

-Character spiel-

Takeshi especially is fascinating to me. His seeming obliviousness and hitman instincts are an oxymoron. After he attempted suicide, the problem 'goes away' and we never hear about it again. He's a mix of conundrums we never really get a peek into the mind of. This is one take on it. I'll probably write a Rain 2 one day.

This is more of a depressed Takeshi, giving everything he's got to be popular and normal, but it's not very clear why. Oh well. There could be so many reasons. He's also just kinda detached, at least as takesh-the-baseball-ace, which has been his persona for a long, long time, probably since his mother died, if we're looking here. The desperation and knowledge that something is wrong is more from Yamamato, and it reaches takeshi-the-baseball-ace through a filter so he sounds kind of distant when the worries get to him, grave but not thinking like it effects him. He's been out for a while and for all he knows Takeshi is going to fade and he'll be all that's left.

Haha, ha, ha... I don't know what happened with Takeshi, takeshi, and takeshi-the-baseball-ace, but I feel like it fits pretty well. takeshi is his hitman side, of course, and Takeshi is who he used to be. takeshi-the-baseball-ace is his popular baseball persona. I don't feel like they're different personalities, just different masks/parts that he lets out when it's appropriate.

-End character spiel-

Yeah, and another thing. Tsuna's relationship with nearly all his Guardians just isn't very healthy, at least in the beginning, so I'm highlighting that at the ends of the poems. Not bashing Tsuna, when he grows up he's not a teenager anymore, but anyway. Takeshi's little spiel about Tsuna probably isn't what he felt in canon, he seems a bit too lighthearted around Tsuna for that, but the (realistic) alternative was to continue to have him struggle with depression. Maybe in Rain 2.

And the most of other poems aren't going have this 'fancy-perfect-song-lyrics' thing happening, I'm too lazy for that. I just happened to remember this song and thought it would go well, and it did!

Coming up next: Storm!

Questions for reviewers: What's your favorite depiction of Takeshi, where do you think I went a little overboard (I tend to be dramatic), and what do you think is going to happen in Storm?


	2. Storm: Rage

A/N:

Welcome back! I know I said two weeks but I was thinking one in my head and then I had the urge to update this early since I've been working so hard on my project and finished reading Beastiality on ao3. It's a good KHR fic, a little graphic and heartrending, but good. I had _issues_ with the way it was abandoned, though, so I had to write something angsty and here it is.

Nope, I don't own either KHR or Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

I know, I said no more song lyrics but I can't help myself. I keep listening to music and saying "that would go so well with this one!"

Warnings: um. Depressing thoughts. Mentions of death and poisonings. Bad early-canon Tsuna not considering feelings. I think that's it.

Also, there's no alter-ego discerning here, so 99% of the time, the word 'him' refers to Hayato Gokudera. The one time it's not, it's even open to interpretation-I left it vague on purpose. His name is not said here once.

Storm

-.-.-.-

.

 _I walk a lonely road_

 _The only one that I have ever known_

.

streets

-.-.-.-

he scowls and smokes and glares

because that's what he knows how to do

and he knows better than anyone

that it's scary, that it makes you feel powerless and hated, scorched and afraid

like a badly-contained acid

.

it accomplishes his goal

he is left alone

once he's taught the last lesson

and lasts on his own for a week,

once his mentor sees he won't suicide himself accidentally with his own weapon

and once he says he needs more experience

but some weak, niggling part of him

whines and curls up, wounded

(he is so, so lonely)

-.-.-.-

.

before

-.-.-.-

he walks the dusty halls of the mansion

that hasn't been cared for or lived in for over a century

it's chilly and unwelcoming and

he is so small and afraid, lonely and lost

he cries

-.-.-.-

.

 _Don't know where it goes_

 _But it's home to me and I walk alone_

.

woman

-.-.-.-

then a woman comes and brushes away his tears.

"would you like to hear a song?" she asks and plays one

anyway, when he's frozen at the woman who suddenly bestows attention upon him and isn't distant and cold, when he can't formulate a response for all that he wants to sob in delight

all he can do is trail after her in a haze

.

one day, he asks her to teach him

and she smiles one of those smiles that makes him feel like the world has lit up

her guiding hand on his is the most wondrous thing

and he finds passion in performing

-.-.-.-

.

 _I walk alone_

.

pattern

-.-.-.-

"you start with a calm sky," she tells him as he learns an oft-used classical format, "and then the clouds roll in, heavy and dark. the gentle rain starts sprinkling, and all seems calm once more, but it gradually increases until the clouds writhe and thunder booms, lightning crackles and the storm reigns supreme until it recedes, spent for now, and leaves only mist behind. at the very end, even that fades."

-.-

she looks him in the eye and says seriously, "but that's not the way it always works. sometimes the melody cuts off before the storm ends, and that's equally beautiful."

-.-.-.-

.

 _I walk alone_

.

valued

-.-.-.-

there was one other figure that he relied on

his father never cared much for him

useless as he is

his wellbeing was assigned to one of the staff

but when his older sister catches him sitting quietly in the kitchen

she asks about him

.

once she knows, she takes her little brother under her wing

and shows him around the house

takes the burden of his care on her own shoulders

teaches him letters and numbers and everything he could ever need to know

she is sent from the same perfect, paradisiacal place the piano woman was,

he thinks.

she knows everything.

and when she praises him for learning so fast thinking so practically and being so quiet and still

he blushes

(so so happy to finally be noticed and… loved? is that what this is?)

-.-

his favorite performances are for the small audience of the woman and his sister

(they're the only ones who know him well enough to pick up on underlying tones anyway)

-.-.-.-

.

 _I walk a…_

.

bastard

-.-.-.-

as his sister forces more and more poison into him

as he builds up resistance

he takes shelter from the migraines and hallucinations in increasingly secluded spots.

(she died? car fell off a cliff? no way, she couldn't be bested by a cliff)

It is here that he first hears the rumors

(bastard musician loser weak)

that soon swell from faint murmurs to loud shouts spat at him

and he learns the power of being scorned

and he learns that he is nothing, worthless

(learns to be caught up in rage to bury his depression)

-.-.-.-

.

 _My shadow's the only one that walks beside me_

 _My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating_

.

abandon

-.-.-.-

every time someone quells at his glare

spits in his face

turns away without acknowledgement

or leaves him alone when he says 'i'm fine'

he turns a little colder, his rage gains a new temporary edge that withers and dies

only too soon after he is abandoned (like he asks for)

.

(deep, deep down in his very soul

where he would never admit even under torture

he longs for someone to look at his acid

and say, 'I can temper a new glass for that'

or 'let's find the perfect niche for this'

'it's perfect just the way it is')

-.-.-.-

.

 _Sometimes I wish someone out there would find me_

 _'Til then I walk alone_

.

 _I walk this empty street_

 _On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams_

 _Where the city sleeps_

 _And I'm the only one and I walk alone_

.

recall

-.-.-.-

he hallucinates, imagines, dreams of her every day

the way she was before she discovered the talent in the kitchen

that changed her in their father's eyes

from weak useless feminine

to strong hitman useful, maybe just maybe a suitable heiress

.

hindsight is twenty-twenty

and he can see clearly now

(torturously, so very clearly)

(he is forced to recall)

the exact moments

spread out over time

when she cut their time short to attend father's lessons

when she begged off of a personal performance

(he'd written the song just for her and slaved over it, memorizing it in a week

faster than he'd ever done before)

when his unconditional trust would never quite be so unconditional again

after she took father's side in an argument about making the staff shut up

and treat him better, at least whisper less

("don't complain. grow up! if you don't want to be a laughingstock, do something other than play piano. get stronger!")

.

he cries and cries

and mourns for his lost sister

every night, every day, every moment

she haunts him

a reflection of his mistakes

-.-.-.-

.

 _I'm walking down the line_

 _That divides me somewhere in my mind_

 _On the border line_

 _Of the edge and where I walk alone_

.

anticipation

-.-.-.-

one day the world's strongest hitman calls him

and he's offered an offer that he knows is false

but one does not deny the world's strongest hitman

and so he goes, anticipating death every moment

.

he sees a small, weak brunet

(that reminds him so much of himself)

that he is supposed to try his best to kill…

and rages at the impending death that he cannot change,

just as he has raged at everything he cannot change

(hopeless but drowning it in anger

depressed and so, so desperate and lonely)

-.-.-.-

.

 _Check my vital signs_

 _To know I'm still alive_

 _and I walk alone_

.

angel

-.-.-.-

his hands slip, and he cannot say he made much of an effort to stay them.

he closes his eyes and for all his raging,

he is calm and accepting of this moment.

-.-

Except it doesn't come.

-.-

instead, he is saved by an angel

that shows him something worth living for

and protecting

('i can temper a new glass for that')

the angel accepts and doesn't push him away

he latches onto a new obsession

to drown out the pain

(even if he isn't so lonely anymore

it doesn't mean it's all gone)

-.-.-.-

.

 _'Til then I walk alone..._

.

enough

-.-.-.-

time passes and when he's not abandoned

he weeps, weeps, weeps with joy

he's been good enough that his sky hasn't abandoned him

like all the others

-.-.-.-

.

 _Read between the lines_

 _Of what's - up and everything's alright_

.

-.-.-.-

A/N:

So yeah, this used to be a bit shorter before I realized 'wait, I have absolutely nothing on Shamal/Bianchi here' and the dysfunctional relationship was born.

Tsuna needs to realize how attached his friends are to him. He grows into it eventually, but man, is he a jerk early on. I don't like writing him this way, but... well. He still has a seal blocking his empathy in Sky flames and it's messing with his head. I especially hate the early relationship between Hayato and Tsuna. It just gives me shivers. Anyway. I do paint things a little dramatically here, but at least I didn't give him regular panic attacks. I'm still trying to find someone to fit that with. Lambo's a little young, right? Eh, maybe I can still make it work.

I don't know why the 'pattern' snippet is even there. I guess I wanted to write a memory with Lavina and include a little Flame stuff. so that happened. yeah.

~OperaEagle IcelynLacelett

Next: I don't know. Sun, Cloud, or Male Mist. It'll be one of those, I'm pretty sure.

Questions for reviewers: Do you have a better song for this, what do you think about the ending, what do you think about my depiction of Gokudera?

How do you think I'll depict the others? I bet you won't guess what I'm going with for Ryohei... but it works.

PS. Too many ideas for Kyoya. Too many. I'm not sure how many I'll be able to hammer out well, though.


	3. Sun: Slip

Hey guys! Welcome back and welcome to!

So this is Sun. I bet you'll be surprised! I'm fairly, 90% sure this isn't canon, but who cares about canon anyway? Pfft! If I did, I wouldn't be writing A Sky's Soothing Solace.

Warnings: uhm. depressing thoughts. memory loss. rushed ending. I think that's it. This isn't nearly as bad as the others.

Disclaimer: -_- HAHAHA NOPE T-T

Again, Sasagawa Ryohei doesn't have his name stated once. Sorry. There are several spots where 'him' refers to another male, but they should be fairly obvious. If they aren't, tell me!

-.-.-.-

Sun

-.-.-.-

.

restless

-.-.-.-

he's always run more on emotions

than logic.

his mind doesn't work as well as other people's do, kaa-san says.

and that's okay.

you're bright and loud and energetic

and you want others to feel just as happy and enthusiastic as you!

he runs around and breaks things

and feels horrible about it, but kaa-san always

lays a hand on his shoulder and says it's okay.

only, he can see the disappointment in her little half-smile,

her tiny sigh,

the furrow between her eyebrows.

he wants to reach out and hug her and tell her softly

that he's extremely sorry and he keeps forgetting

but he'll _remember_ this time, promise!

he wants to just hold her close, still his body for five seconds so he can look her in the eye and tell that to her seriously,

(but he's tried over and over)

and he just can't.

his body has to constantly be in motion, so the planned whispered words come out a yell and his fist drives itself forward.

"I'm extremely sorry! I'll do better next time!"

(in the back of his mind he wonders

just how many times he's repeated the same promise)

-.-.-.-

.

memory

-.-.-.-

he forgets things, most things

they just can't seem to stay in his head

they enter in one ear and somewhere during the journey to a place deeper in his brain where memories stay and skills are formed,

they get scrambled up and he can't make heads or tails of them

and then they jump, slip, slide out of the other ear.

he has only a few memories.

most of kaa-san's are her looking at him after he breaks things

and other times where she talks to him about his brain

(and he might not get most social cues but he can tell

when someone is disappointed in him or pities him or thinks he's disgusting

he knows his brain is slow but his emotion is high

and just because he can't he can't respond right or doesn't care to

doesn't mean he can't understand other's feelings)

but he remembers Kyoko most, his imotou.

she is his light

and even though she knows something is different with him

she is so encouraging and kind, never pitying or let down

and most importantly, she never pries

it means more to him than he can understand

he can't remember nearly enough time with her,

most of it snapshots or flashes of sound

he swears to protect her by whatever means possible

he won't lose the one person he can remember so much of

(and he loves her so so much)

-.-

he doesn't really care about the memory leaks

he doesn't need memories anyway, he can survive without them, as he has so far

but he does care when it makes him different in other people's eyes

like his mother

he knows she sees him as not as smart as others

and that may be true

but he doesn't want her to act like it!

Kyoko is the only one who he can depend on for that, and he does

he cares when they pity him the most

besides the frustration sometimes, it's a good thing!

he doesn't remember most of the bad things, like injuries, that he has

and he can look at the world as if it's new every day, which it is for him

he can have the same experience with Kyoko every day and never get tired of it!

there are plenty of good things!

and anyway, it's useless to insult him, since he won't remember it anyway

he only cares for the opinions of those he loves.

-.-.-.-

.

doubts

-.-.-.-

still, sometimes doubts creep into his head

when his kaa-san gives him that disappointed face

or those several, occasional times when Kyoko's face crumples at something he says.

-.-

he knows he has the habit of forgetting about people he has not seen for a long time.

he forgets people completely if they are not standing in front of him unless they are Kyoko or kaa-san.

sometimes, every so often, he'll be hit by a flash of memory of a man who laughed long and hard,

with a booming voice that made kaa-san and Kyoko smile brilliantly

then he's hit with a sense of wrongness. he knows he hasn't seen the man in a while and his family looked really happy around him.

where was this man?

he should be around if he made the young teen's family light up so brightly.

when he tugs on kaa-san's sleeve and asks about the man,

she stares at him and holds back tears, looking really sad

and Kyoko gasps and starts crying almost immediately

he feels horrible and wonders what he did wrong

-.-

he knows that the subject brings up painful memories,

but he tries to forget the devastating images as fast as possible, so he does

and he keeps forgetting and asking and forgetting and asking

that's the time when doubts catch him up in their jaws

-.-

he lays awake at night and cries

what use is he if he makes his family sad?

he keeps doing it and he can't stop and it's all because of this stupid problem,

his stupid memories slipping and sliding,

and himself. he couldn't forget himself.

he just… the man seemed to make his family happy

and he wants that so so much

he wants them to be hold more happiness and sunshine than he could ever give them

-.-.-.-

.

fighting

-.-.-.-

there's one time when his mind, clear of all but the present, shines

during the exchange of blows, there is nothing but

searing heat energy reflex dodge analysis

he doesn't remember every moment

but he can remember enough

that he nearly weeps from relief

after every fight

and somehow the skills come instinctively

or are learned (it's a miracle when they make it into his head and stay

and aren't unintelligible static)

and so he fights

-.-

but until he becomes really strong

he keeps getting beaten up

(it's okay, fighting is his only reprieve, his one retainable joy)

he doesn't like how worried his sister is

but he won't give up fighting

so he ends up feeling worse than scum when his mind tips the memories of her scoldings

out of his ears

(and he refuses to consider the question of whether it's a conscious habit)

-.-.-.-

.

extreme

-.-.-.-

'Extreme!' is his motto

but it wasn't always

when he apologized for forgetting or breaking things,

he noticed that many people said the same thing

(really really _really_ sorry)

and it wasn't sincere

once you used it over and over

he was sincere as much as possible, brutally blunt even if he was optimistic at times

so to let everyone know his apologies were sincere, he used another word

(instead, it seemed to become overused by him

but he still tried his best to reach out anyway)

-.-

("I'm extremely sorry! I can help fix it!"

"No, that's okay. Thank you for offering."

"Oh… okay! Then I'll extremely continue my run!")

(nobody wants his help, but he understands)

-.-

then as he gets older, people see that he isn't as quick on the uptake as others

and single him out for it

he finds the best way to send them running is to be loud, lots of extremes

and shadowboxing maybe a bit closer to the face than most people are comfortable with

-.-

when they come within ten meters of him

if they don't immediately sneer at him

if they don't disregard him right away

and seem to be strong in spirit or body or potential

then he invites them to join his club, the boxing club.

so far there are no other members, but he won't give up hope!

extreme people are rare but awesome!

-.-.-.-

.

solutions

-.-.-.-

then secondary school arrives and his sister will still be in primary.

wouldn't it be okay just to fight where she wasn't around?

where she wouldn't find out?

he could clean up and no one would notice.

it was fine

until some upperclassman that he'd punched unconscious

came after him and cornered him in the back of an alley

with a bunch of his friends.

normally, he'd have fought his way extremely through

but today they held his sister captive

against him.

-.-

after that fiasco, when both he and Kyoko lay broken and bleeding on the alleyway ground,

he made two promises to himself.

first, he would make sure his imouto didn't get involved with his conflicts

second, he would grow strong enough to deal with twice that many thugs

in order to protect

and the days rolled by

-.-.-.-

.

clear

-.-.-.-

then he saw a small spark of light in his worldview,

and he started to remember things when he looked at it

(his name was Sawada, he was clumsy, he occasionally stripped down to his boxers)

and he pursued it (couldn't give it up, sometimes his mind was _clear_ and he craved that sensation)

-.-

he wasn't disappointed

eventually, he got pulled into Sawada's group

and it felt so nice, no one judged him for brainpower,

or at least they did not pity or try to console him

(like there was something _wrong_ about him they had to fix

he hated it when people assumed)

there he was just another member

everyone playfully insulted each other there and it just wouldn't be the same without

and Sawada couldn't care less about his memory leaks

(maybe he doesn't belong, but he hopes and prays anyway

and no one has tried to dissuade him wholeheartedly yet

he'll stay as long as possible)

-.-

instead, Sawada seemed to avoid him

but it didn't matter

he needed the stableness and clearness

he only felt when around Sawada

-.-.-.-

A/N:

And that's Sun! Depressing memory loss and boxing.

Ryohei is much more perceptive here than in canon... but he also has a disability/condition (not really sure what to call it, I looked it up and I don't think there's a term for it but if there is please tell me) that people mock him a lot for. His perceptiveness started with his mother looking stressed and worried and a little disappointed in him that he kept destroying her property. He is very sensitive to the happiness of his family. He doesn't care so much about what others think but he does care when they treat him differently because of it.

Boxing seems like it just comes naturally to him *shrug* plus I didn't want to write a teacher.

The man is his father. He doesn't have many memories of just him and his father because he cares more for his family's happiness than his own, as long as they're all he has to live for outside of boxing. Every human needs someone to care about them. They're basically the only ones that care about him/he cares about.

Then Tsuna with his Flames' Harmony factor comes along and smooth it out just a bit. When a Guardian bond forms, it will probably take care of the vast majority of the rest of the problems.

I'll go back and work the ending later, probably add a snippet about the Varia battles.

Okay! Thanks for reading all this, all present people!

Shoutout to OnceABlueMoon, who is super cool and has super cool stories! You should go check her out! I recommend Straight for the Castle and The name of the Game.

Next: Mist/Cloud. Probably Cloud.

Also, while I have the majority of Cloud typed up, it is not proofread in any way, shape, or form. So it will be longer than a week before the next update. Probably two, which was the original goal. So suck it up.

Questions: how perceptive do you think Ryohei is in canon, how close to the mark or not do you think I am in regards to his feelings about his family, and as usual, what is your favorite depiction of Ryohei/what will Cloud be like?

PS: Reviews=motivation!


	4. Fem Mist: Transparent

A/N: I'm back, with a longer poem than ever before! It's Fem Mist, not one I thought I would finish soon. (I'm afraid Cloud is stumping me for now, even though it's even longer than this and just keeps growing. It's nearly finished, though.) I wrote it in a burst of inspiration two days ago, after listening to Irreplaceable too many times. This chapter took four hours to write and two hours to type up, literally, so be grateful. The others will probably not match this length.

Right now what's going on is the US premiere of the children's opera the Snow Queen. It's so much fun and I'm so excited to be one of eight people in the Snow Army/Hens serving under the Snow Queen, but blocking and rehearsals are literally going to take up 2/3rds of my day for two weeks. I'm sorry ;-; Performances on the 17th and 18th! (We get glow-in-the-dark weapons, by the way, and the set is a bunch of revolving, different-sized triangles that have LED lights on them. It's so cool!)

This chapter is darker than I've ever gone before, so be prepared for that.

Warnings: suicidal thoughts, mentions of cutting, mental and verbal abuse, light physical abuse, neglect, demeaning thoughts, evil stepmother, not /starvation/ exactly but meals being withheld, malnutrition, loneliness, twisted concept of beauty, unconditional trust of authority figures that should not be trusted, very abusive relationship. Basically everything but sexual abuse.

Chrome and Nagi are used, because 1) the change in name is a change in identity and very important and 2) the other main character was female and it got very hard. And I was just tired of it.

There are song lyrics, but they are mished and mashed because this was too long to just use one song. They are italicized, in between the -.-.-.-/./ _song lyric_ /./-.-.-.- where the /s represent a line. the other italics are character's thoughts.

Disclaimer: I do not own KHR, Life on Mars?, The Lonely, Human, Under Stars, Irreplaceable, or Golden. (Yeah, I used that many songs. That's why it took me an hour and a half to add the song lyrics, outside of the time I've already stated. But. The Lonely was too good not to add and it only worked for like one part, so I had to add others to even it out. Even if the beginning is noticeably lacking, because there's not much to put there.)

Fem Mist: Transparent

-.-.-.-

.

 _It's a God-awful small affair_

 _To the girl with the mousy hair_

 _._

-.-.-.-

once,

once upon a time,

she was a lovely young vibrant girl

(once)

and then her fairy tale happened to her

-.-

once upon a time

a husband's wife died

he was inconsolable

wanted to be strong, but just couldn't

fell apart at the cracks

he remembered to find some support for his daughter

(the one thing he kept living for)

-.-

the only thing the father cared about was seeing his little girl smile, playing with her

he blocked everything else out, otherwise in a constant waking coma

so no one could hear his internal screams

it really isn't surprising

he just couldn't realize what a monster he'd unleashed upon his beloved daughter

(a wolf beckoned in the door for a feast)

-.-

Nagi is the daughter of a man and his new wife.

Papa introduces the new woman as her new mother.

she wants to know how good of a mama the tall, beautiful woman will be,

so she asks

(that is her first mistake)

-.-

her new mama takes her aside into another room

and tells her that she will bring the girl home books

the woman looks over Nagi,

and her new mama says she is so beautiful,

in a whispered, silky (almost strangled) voice

this is not new

her Papa and old mama used to tell her all the time

so she nods and smiles big, if a little shyly

and hugs her new mama hard,

tells the tall woman that she knows the elder will be a wonderful mama.

behind her,

(out of her vision)

the woman runs fingertips over her hair and compares it to her own

-.-.-.-

Nagi often sees Mama and Papa kissing and touching

they stumble around the house

absorbed

(desperately)

in themselves

they don't notice Nagi

as she looks down at the popsicle sticks that she imagines are dolls

as she opens the pantry to find something for breakfast

as she traces the dragon guarding a tower that she's drawn in crayon on her bedroom wall

and recites the story

(she is invisible at first)

-.-

she used to try and get between them to tell them to make her a meal

play with her

answer a question

but she got ignored and pushed away

later, Mama comes to her bedroom and hits her and scolds her.

(she stops)

-.-.-.-

.

 _Two AM, where do I begin_

 _Crying off my face again_

.

-.-.-.-

when she's six, Nagi enters school

she is shy, mostly silent, and

she laps up the lessons with the eagerness

of those with nothing else to do,

the times that she doesn't slip away into daydreaming

the habit that kept her quiet and obedient at home

she is noticeably different than the other children running around

she just fades into the background

so she slips away again,

her imagination her only escape

(still, it's enough

it's comforting and familiar)

-.-.-.-

.

 _Can you see me over here?_

 _Should I just disappear?_

 _I tried to fit in next to you_

 _Guess I wasn't clear_

 _Or maybe I'm just not good enough_

.

-.-.-.-

Papa get worse as time goes by

he blanks out more and touches Mama less, even notices Nagi less

Mama doesn't really pay attention when Nagi asks a question,

giving one-word (neutral) answers

that don't answer anything

Mama leaves more and comes back with lots of bags

that hold lots of things

clothes and shoes are Mama's favorite

she snaps at Nagi when the younger girl tries to touch them

when Nagi asks if she can go outside Mama says no

(she hasn't been anywhere but school and home since she was a toddler)

-.-

Mama usually goes out to eat at night and comes back the next morning

no one fixes meals for Nagi

she eats what's left in the pantry and refrigerator

until there's nothing left

then she leaves a note in the kitchen for Mama, who always refills them somehow

(she finds out later that the woman paid someone else to do it)

-.-.-.-

.

 _The silent sound of loneliness_

 _Wants to follow me to bed_

.

-.-.-.-

as Papa gets worse, Mama has more time to spend at home,

actually noticing Nagi

at first, Mama leaves her mostly alone

but then Mama gets twitchy and constantly stares at her, mumbling

one day, Mama takes her out shopping

they try on dresses

and shoes

and outfits

for hours

the pricetags get progressively bigger,

and Mama's smile gets progressively a little wider, a little more sugary, a little more sickly-sweet with each item in the cart

though she ends up buying them all

-.-

every day, Mama makes her put on a new dress

forces her down in a chair that is in front of a mirror

and does her hair,

(a little too tightly)

makeup,

(a little too roughly)

chooses accessories,

(a little too curtly)

while she coos and tells Nagi how beautiful she is

-.-.-.-

.

 _the loneliness will stay with me_

 _And hold me till I fall asleep_

.

-.-.-.-

Nagi is used to being alone, by now

it's a wide gap in her stomach

black and lonely and throbbing,

but only distantly painful

she can('t) fill it with stories, books,

and her imagination

(even in her stories no one notices her)

-.-

she idolizes Mama, so cool and breezy and tall

Mama can go shopping, Mama can pick the cutest clothes,

do the best hair and makeup

Mama has the silkiest voice

and most of all

Mama gets noticed

on their shopping sprees,

Mama always greets the store employees and gets greeted back

she can hold a conversation with another person

(she can't get anybody to stay interested in her that long)

-.-

sometimes Mama dresses her up, just like Mama!

she stares at herself in the mirror

and feels uncomfortable with these transformations

but it's the only thing that makes her noticed by Mama,

so she goes along with it

(maybe it would make everyone notice her more?)

and Mama tells her that she's beautiful,

but only after she's dressed and dolled up.

Mama values beauty, so it must be really important!

it's good that she has it!

-.-.-.-

.

 _you're not like us, you are different_

 _I couldn't see that that was a compliment_

 _'Cause the last thing I want now is to be you_

.

-.-.-.-

Mama stares at Nagi more as time goes on, and one day she snaps

the honey-and-sugar that her smiles are always dipped in spreads rapidly across her body and takes possession of her

she takes Nagi on the biggest spree yet

and once they get home

Nagi is placed in the makeover chair.

this time Mama strokes her hair gently and leans down to tell her in her ear,

voice velvety and silky soft,

 _your hair isn't beautiful, it's ugly._

 _see, look at your face? without my makeup, it's nothing._

 _you are so ugly without my help._

 _your nose is too big, your lips are too thin,_

 _you're too fat. you have no figure._

 _you need my help, because you are nothing without it._

 _you are ugly, you are_ not _beautiful._

 _you are nothing_

 _you are_ nothing

you are nothing.

-.-

.

 _I can hold my breath_

 _I can bite my tongue_

 _I can stay awake for days_

 _If that's what you want_

 _._

-.-

Nagi is shocked

she has never noticed that before

didn't Mama say that she was beautiful?

her mind makes the connection fast

only when she was dolled up had Mama told her anything of the sort during the recent years

her beauty must have bled away

 _i am ugly_

 _i am nothing_

(if Mama says it it must be true)

-.-

.

 _I can fake a smile_

 _I can force a laugh_

 _I can dance and play the part_

 _If that's what you ask_

 _Give you all I am_

.

-.-

 _just give me your body_

 _and I will make you beautiful,_

 _I will make you something._

 _See what miracles your Mama can do?_

 _I can make something out of nothing,_

 _I can make the horrifically ugly beautiful._

 _I can do something with the empty shell that is your body!_

 _your skin is too pale, but I can fix that,_

 _I can fix all the blemishes on your body. See?_

 _your Mama cares about you, she loves you._

 _I will fix you._

-.-

.

 _I can do it_

 _I can do it_

.

-.-

Nagi looks in the mirror

at her ugly body,

and stares at her too-thin lips,

her ugly too-big nose,

her ugly figure,

and she breaks the mirror.

 _i am ugly,_

 _i am nothing_

-.-

.

 _I'll get through it_

.

-.-

Mama insists she start skipping one meal a day

Nagi understands

she remembers the times Mama has told her she's fat

and skips lunch obligingly

(it's not like anybody notices)

since Mama doesn't see it, she doesn't know her command has been obeyed

(Nagi is silent like always)

she hits the girl in reprimand

and so Nagi skips breakfast instead, where Mama can see her effort,

and receives an extra makeover as a reward.

-.-

.

 _I can turn it on_

 _Be a good machine_

 _I can hold the weight of worlds_

 _If that's what you need_

.

-.-

she learns to deal with the aching hunger in her belly

as it settles in beside the black gap in her stomach

and the loneliness

and the self-hatred

when she looks in the mirror, she wants to throw up

even when she's dressed up as beautiful

something whispers _wrong, stop_!

and she knows that she is the thing that is wrong

she bears it all with a quiet patience,

as long as she can keep her Papa living

(though it's been years since he's even glanced at her)

and her Mama's attention in making her beautiful

-.-.-.-

Mama looks askance at her one day and asks if she has any friends

she replies negatively, for her classmates know she is there but she seems to slide out of their perception

not worthy of their notice

one corner of Mama's mouth twitches up in a sticky-sweet smile and Mama sits her down

and explains why

-.-

.

 _Your words in my head, knives in my heart_

 _You build me up and then I fall apart_

.

-.-

 _even your personality is nothing._

 _you are shy and unapproachable and unliked,_

 _ugly inside,_

 _as well as outside._

 _you will never be anything,_

 _how could you,_

 _with a disappearing personality like yours?_

 _you are a ghost, not a person._

 _I can't fix that like I can fix your ugly, malformed body._

 _no one can._

 _you are nothing._

-.-

 _i am ugly, inside and outside,_

 _i am nothing, a ghost,_

 _and only my outside can be fixed._  
-.-

.

 _Knuckles move under her skin_

 _She wraps her heart and drags it in_

 _And they move it all around_

 _Until we cry_

 _Under stars_

.

-.-

her insides only affirmed Mama's words

they were pretty empty already, what with the loneliness and self-hatred of her body

now she begins to find fault in everything about herself,

too reserved too quiet too smart

her ugly ghost personality

-.-.-.-

she finds a razor in a cabinet one day and thinks

 _what if_

-.-

scars dot her wrists, and Mama covers them with foundation and gloves and a wink.

Mama expresses happiness that she has found an outlet for her sadness as well as the fact that her blood is red,

like a normal person's

(it makes it easier to pretend to be a person)

-.-

.

 _I'm a ghost of a girl_

 _That I used to know well_

 _I'm the shell of a girl_

 _That I used to be_

 _._

-.-

she feels increasingly empty,

like she's full of nothing but air,

except not even that.

just a ghost, just a vacuum, just a shell,

not a person

a void going about its life,

pretending to be a person,

stealing nutrients from the real people, deserving of them.

-.-

 _everything would be better if i died_

 _no, that's wrong_

 _no one else would notice_

 _but i'd be better_

 _i wouldn't have to be an ugly ghost anymore_

-.-

.

 _Dancing slowly in an empty room_

 _Can the lonely take the place of you?_

.

-.-

she goes through each day dazed,

not paying attention,

just empty and ignored

head stuffed with cotton and filled with static

-.-

then Mama starts whispering things to her whenever their paths happen to cross

 _go kill yourself_

 _I'd be happier if you died_

 _everyone would_

 _terrifying, ugly ghost_

 _why are you still existing?_

the phrases stay in her mind

and circle around in her head,

becoming part of the haze that distracts her,

the only thoughts she can think clearly

she quickly becomes convinced of the words,

because, after all, she has been molded and shaped and conditioned for years

but every time she holds the razor up to a major artery or her neck,

a knife up to her heart,

she freezes

so, so terrified

so, so cowardly

 _i'm sorry i couldn't even die right_

 _(how am i so scared when i can't feel anything?)_

-.-

.

 _I sing myself a quiet lullaby_

 _Let you go and let the lonely in_

 _To take my heart again_

.

-.-

she sees a cat dart across the road just as a truck barrels around the corner, headed straight for it

she has a split-second to think

 _no, it's so innocent, it deserves a chance_

before dashing after it,

all self-preservation filters having been removed years ago

she feels a solid wall (the trick) slam into her

and she explodes with pain as it rolls over her and past the scene

she barely hears screams before she dies

 _i finally did it right_

 _i hope you're happy, Mama_

(Mama's face had shown up in her peripheral vision right before rushing to catch the cat

her mouth in a small, satisfied, honey-and-sugar poisoned smile)

-.-.-.-

unfortunately, she wakes up again in her mindscape,

small and a child.

there is an oily lake and a breathtaking green meadow studded with flowers that browns and dies as it slopes downward,

from left to right.

the sky is thunderous and dark and hangs low,

foreboding and unwelcoming.

there is a purple-haired boy sitting on the lake's edge, dipping his fingers in the slimy, thick oil.

 _he shouldn't do that,_ she thinks, _he's too pure to involve himself with an ugly ghost._

the thought reverberates around the mindscape, because thought is speech there,

and she winces a little but meets his gaze head on when he turns to her.

she has warned him, and now he should stay away.

instead, he thinks to her, _what an interesting mind you have. so gloomy and depressing, like your history._

he pats the space next to him, and on autopilot she sits there.

he stares at her for a while, smirking slightly, and then turns to watch the dead meadow rustle behind the black lake of oil.

 _you are pathetic,_ he thinks to her, _but you do not have to be. I could give you a purpose, and you could go far._

 _such pure and plentiful Mist Flames as yours have so much potential, I could not waste it._

she listens silently to this strange boy, not believing him for a moment.

 _i'm dead,_ she thinks.

 _oh yes, about that._

-.-

Nagi does not _want_ to be alive, she wants to be _dead_ and blissfully unaware.

Mukuro-sama will not allow that.

 _at the moment, you are my only compatible vessel. you will help me fulfill my goals and view the outside world, yes? it's so boring and restrictive in this tank._

-.-

.

 _When I fight_

 _I'm all alone_

 _Gotta tell myself_

 _I'm irreplaceable_

.

-.-.-.-

Mukuro-sama looks at her with weighted eyes and asks about all the scars she has

she is ashamed but could never deny him something

he traces the one he wants to know about as she recites the story

he reaches her wrist, inevitably,

and she goes back to the numb buzzing that used to perpetuate her days as she explains that she is a ghost that does not deserve to live

then he shares some snippets of his memories within other lives, small ones, just long enough so that she can understand

and he tells her,

 _your scars are battle wounds, you should be proud_

 _they show how many things you have survived_

 _if I deserve to live,_

he thinks,

 _then you have absolutely no argument that supports the idea that you should die._

he rebuffs her stuttered, depressed attempts,

and in the end she is surprised and shocked

with a dented worldview

-.-

.

 _Bend it back_

 _Quit tryna be someone else_

 _I tell myself_

 _I'm irreplaceable_

.

-.-

Mukuro-sama has shown her a few of his memories, including how he found his will, and gradually makes Nagi not think of suicide every day,

whispering reassurances and little short phrases that help

it is a miracle, Mukuro-sama is a miracle, and Nagi will not waste this chance to redeem herself or see the outside world, more than school and the house.

(In the back of her mind, deep in her subconscious, she also wants to meet this boy called Sawada Tsunayoshi.)

-.-.-.-

.

 _Somehow I find a way_

 _It's never easy_

 _Why is it so hard?_

.

-.-.-.-

Nagi does not want to be Nagi anymore, so the least she can do if she can't die is become a new person.

Mukuro-sama supports the idea wholeheartedly, stating that she is pathetic. she agrees, wanting to be new, reborn in a sense.

she can't come up with anything good, so Mukuro-sama suggests an anagram of his name, which she likes very much, as it ties her to the one who believes in her, the first one who noticed.

-.-.-.-

eventually, she does meet him.

the boy panics a lot, and makes Chrome anxious

but his concern is for his family, and that mystifies and warms her heart all at once

she continues watching from afar,

desiring affection of the kind that Bossu seems to live and breath,

but not knowing how to reach out for it,

if she deserves it,

or even if she really wants it.

Chrome does not want to stain Bossu with what she used to be,

still a part of who she is

( _it's foolish to deny your past_

 _it gives you strength to accept it and continue onward_

Mukuro-sama says)

but she does help him

he deserves that much, so kind and caring and warm

her Flame seems to constantly lean towards his, straining and longing for his soothing

-.-.-.-

.

 _Burn, burn, burn_

 _They used to yell_

 _You thought I was coal_

 _My friend, I'm gold_

 _Can't you tell?_

.

-.-.-.-

Mukuro-sama's ways of giving affection and attention are very different.

Mukuro-sama is never gentle or kind, but he is blunt and honest, which is his way of respect. she appreciates it.

Mukuro-sama teaches and corrects and tells her to have confidence in herself, which is more than he does for anybody else.

With his past, it's not hard to imagine why he can't show care the way other people do. he just doesn't know how, and since Chrome wouldn't know how to receive it, that's good. they can immediately bond without her drawing back.

On the other hand, Bossu is just naturally kind and affectionate. it leaks out of him and suffuses the air around him. he really does care for and value everyone in his life.

Bossu subconsciously touches his friends, running his fingers lightly up their arms or sides, to reassure himself that they are safe and unhurt. he makes them bentos and is a mother hen and wants the best for them so sincerely Mukuro-sama says it hurts for him to look at.

Bossu is more vocal about his caring. he's a vocal person in general. he says his friend's names often, savoring them, and talks and laughs with them. he can stand back and watch them interact, too, with a pleased, happy smile on his lips.

-.-.-.-

.

 _'Cause I'm not weak, I'm not broken_

 _I am bold_

 _And the fire you put me through turned me into gold_

 _I'm not done, I'm no loser_

 _Watch me take on my bright future_

 _._

-.-.-.-

Chrome doesn't want to ruin that kindness, or suck up the attention that others, not a ghost, should be receiving. but she longs for it so badly anyway, and when their Flames finally connect and coil around each other, she feels so safe, so protected, and she cries.

Their Bond is good enough to satisfy her need for affection for a long time, though people keep trying to do things with her, like she's not a ghost, like they didn't notice her before. she shies away, unsure, insecure, even as they relentlessly keep attempting to befriend her.

-.-

.

 _The fire that you tried to burn me with, it made me who I am_

 _All the things that you said I couldn't do_

 _Guess what, yes I can_

 _._

-.-

it takes quite a while for them to wait out her awkwardness and hesitancy. for the first time, she is included in this world of casual, lighthearted conversation and camaraderie, and she relaxes.

the gap in her stomach fills, the loneliness goes away, and she is ecstatic. it will take a lot more work to get rid of her self-loathing, but she's willing to brave the long and arduous journey ahead of her with all those who are on her side. (which, funnily enough, includes a prickly skylark who does not like her master.)

-.-.-.-

.

 _The fire that you tried to burn me with, it made me who I am_

 _All the things that you said I couldn't do_

 _Guess what, yes I can_

.

-.-.-.-

 _I am beautiful, inside and out._

 _I am Chrome, a human who is loved and cherished._

 _and I am fixing myself._

-.-

.

 _Out of the ashes you buried me in_

 _I, I am golden_

.

-.-

and if she needs a little more time to convince herself, well. it's not like she doesn't have the time or support needed to eventually convince herself.

she is happy.

(once upon a time,

she didn't know she could feel anything but hatred and nothing)

-.-.-.-

.

 _I, I am golden_

 _I, I am golden, golden, golden_

.

-.-.-.-

A/N:

...

I told you it was dark.

I wanted to get the message through that years of loneliness, abuse, conditioning, and bullying aren't things you can just brush off in a few months. Any person with these problems will struggle for years, sometimes longer than the problem went on.

Be assured that I am nowhere near an expert on these matters, being quite lucky to have a very supportive and loving family, but I realize this is a real problem and gets brushed off way too often in society.

Who else wants to make 'Mama's' death very long and painful? I know I created this character, but I think the line I really started to hate and want to kill her was 'scars dot her wrists, and Mama covers them with foundation and gloves and a wink.' I just... gah. I want her to die so, so much. Like, worse than Umbridge, which is really saying something. Presumably, you know, Mukuro finds the time to go and murder her "caretakers". Who wants to join us?

She's jealous of how pretty Nagi is, how she has her father's attention, even though it's not really. She tries to fill the gap with money and being happy for Nagi, she really actually tries, but it just isn't working. She gives in to her baser urges and starts belittling Nagi. She feels such satisfaction in this that she begins to tell Nagi she is nothing until the girl wastes away and she is glad. (Argh. I want to murder her _so badly_.)

The i vs. I is really important. The song lyrics are always capitalized, so there's that, but otherwise Nagi's thoughts are always with lowercase i's until the very end, where she considers herself a person and is developing more of an identity. Mama always has capitol Is because she is sure of herself, she knows what she is doing.

There were too many song lyrics, weren't there? It was just weird. I probably shouldn't have put any in, but The Lonely just suited this too well. And I did really like the ending that Golden provided.

By the way, I didn't notice that The Lonely was actually a song about love until it was way too late. See, I always thought that when the lyrics said 'you' it was meant to be a reflection of 'me'. For example, the lyric _Can the lonely take the place of you?_ I thought was about the loneliness replacing whatever vibrancy/personality she had before. So interpret it like that.

The timeline is a little confusing, I know. Nagi is what's called an unreliable narrator.

1) Mother dies.

2) Father remarries.

(I know it's the opposite way in canon, father dies, but a stepmother suited this role much better than a stepfather did, so we're going to deal with it. She's still a movie star, so she's used to living in comfort, having an execess of money, buying all the stuff she wants, ect., which is why she can afford so much stuff and also part of why she married Nagi's father.)

3) Nagi guesses that her new Mama will be good. (;-;) Behind her back, the seed of jealousy is planted.

4) the grown-ups stay absorbed in each other for a while, trying to forget what they have to forget.

5) Loneliness starts.

6) School starts.

7) Mama goes out and starts becoming a shopaholic.

8) Mama stares uncomfortably at Nagi, being jealous, until she takes her out to go shopping. Makeovers start.

The gap between 8/9 is at least two years.

9) Mama snaps and she starts whispering to Nagi about how she is not beautiful. Demeaning thoughts start.

10) Mama makes Nagi start cutting down on food.

11) Mama snaps again and tells Nagi that her personality is empty too.

Somewhere during these last few events, the father dies. Nagi doesn't really notice; she's too wrapped up in her own issues. I don't blame her.

12) Cutting starts.

13) Suicidal thoughts start. Then Mama encourages them.

14) Tries to commit suicide many times but ends up freezing each time.

15) Runs across the road to save a cat, dies, wakes up in mindscape.

16) Meets Mukuro.

17) They start working on not being suicidal anymore, confidence, her various other issues, and Flames.

18) Nagi gives herself a new identity.

19) Once Mukuro is satisfied to a certain extent with his lessons, he lets her wake up and run away.

20) Lives with Ken/Chikusa for a while, then goes to the Ring Battles and meets Tsuna.

21) They harmonize. Everyone is trying to befriend Chrome.

22) They finally get through to her, she trusts them, they begin working on her self-worth issue much more productively. She is ready to fight!

This one actually practically wrote itself, though there were some sticky parts. The ending is messy, like it always is, though I think I did a bit better wrapping this one up.

Guest Reviews! (I know, shocking!)

Eirenei, I'll PM you since you have an account, even though you were a guest when you reviewed ;)

Guest 1: Thank you for the suggestions about what to call Ryohei's condition! I'm sorry this isn't Kyoya, but I have his mostly done. I don't want to give to much away, but your (sad, oh my goodness Kyoya let me hug you, and way too plausible) guesses aren't quite there yet. It's a little happier than that, at least this one is. My other ideas are along the lines of what you thought, basically. Thank you for reviewing!

Guest 2: In answer to your question: maybe. Not right now, but if I finish KHR and feel motivated enough, then maybe. It's a good idea. Glad you're enjoying them! Thanks for reviewing!

And a big thank you to everyone else who reviewed also! Just so you know, I love getting reviews. They make me glow and hug a pillow, especially the long ones ;) I love you all, your support and patience and everything! Favorites, followers, viewers, criers alike! :)

~OperaEagle IcelynLacelett


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